Diffle County Historical Society - History of Diffle County Chapter 1

 Our County was founded by Earl and Tobbs Diffel in 1772 after the two Diffel brothers, who emigrated to Pennsylvania to begin a new life of wealth and riches, made a running purchase with the Alamoose Native Americans.

    Copying from the William Penn family the agreement they would trade blankets and trinkets called half-pennies for all land they could walk in a day. The diffels hired young marathon runners to run a big circle and then they hired surveyors to follow and mark and measure the boundary of their newly purchased land. The Alamooske owned no land but the Diffels hadn't a clue about that fact.

    The runners were young and asked if their girlfriends could come too. The Diffels agreed and one fine Autumn morning the race was on. Soon however, on quiet woodland glades, or in a meadow of daisies, the runners lost time as they plowed more than wheat and corn. By evening there was only one runner left in the race...a true racist he never gave up. Sadly he ran a truncated circle and ended up nearly dead from a heart attack or stroke. His name was Danielle Corckette. But that is for a later chapter.

            When the Diffels learned from their surveyors that the area was too small for towns and cities and water parks in the future, they were furious. So they did what white guys always did back then, they lied to the Malamooske and refused to pay the runners, some who started their own families a mere nine months later.

    The Malamooske did what any Native American tribe would when dealing with the white man, they told them ok, the land is yours and gave the new owner a decorative shield.

      Shall I hang it in my trophy room? Tobbs asked Earl. "You might wanna learn to use that shield first", said Chief Running Late as they concluded their business

This where the Diffels stood their ground, well, someone's ground.

Diffle County Report - The Current History of the John Shenk Property

 Jack Taylor was the luckiest son of a gun in Diffle County.  He grew up poor because his daddy was Billy Taylor. Billy drank from job to job and often when the rent was due,  Billy wasn't ready to pay it.  By the time Jack was fifteen, he, his mom and his sister had made several midnight moves to new rentals just ahead of the County Sheriff.  They often kept their belongings in trash bags, piled in the closets at the ready for the next moving adventure.  Folks around town would often remark that Jack  will one day be drinking whiskey "from the same bar stool his father sits on". You know how that runs in the family.

If history was the only judge, those town gossips would be right.  Johnathan "Jack" Taylor's grandfather Buck T. Taylor died in a freak accident when he drove while intoxicated into the town square and his head and heart were pierced by General Grant's sword.  Buck's F-150 hit the statue base with such force, General Grant and his horse were both knocked backwards off the pedestal  (which was concreted in just a week prior by Mallard Brothers Contracting  "Why hire a quack when you can hire a Mallard").  Grant's sword once held high against the Southern advance penetrated the black truck's roof, then the sword roughly ran through Buck T. Taylor, and  lodged into the  seat underneath him. It took the fire company 4 hours to remove both sides of his body. The sword was replaced with a dull stainless blade with the words inscribed in fine print:  Zero Tolerance.   

Buck T. Taylor's death wasn't without irony.  Buck's great grandfather William S. Taylor was a Captain in the 23rd Calvary and fought under Grant and even once drank the old General under the table.   That was at The Grand Hotel Gettysburg where both were staying just before the big battle.  Grant later became President.   William S.Taylor died at Gettysburg on the first day of battle. That is how fate accomplishes its mission in our lives- some have cream with their coffee while others get creamed after their coffee.  

 Captain William S. Taylor had made a fortune before the war betting on tobacco futures. He and his wife, unable to bear children, created a trust for the money and that trust grew and grew.  After he died his wife Anne opened a women's clothing shop on Main Street. Anne had strong religious beliefs and could not tolerate drunkenness and addictions of the flesh, and she knew her husband's brother would squander the family fortune on booze and women if the trust went to him. She revised the Trust to skip two generations of Taylors and if there were no Taylors left by then, the trust would be donated to the Methodist Church.

On his Eighteenth birthday, Jack Taylor received a letter from "The Estate of William S. and Anne R.Taylor" requesting he meet with Estate's Executor, Attorney Ralph Handover.  He ignored it.   A month later,  the doorbell rang and twenty minutes later Jack Taylor signed the legal papers and was handed a very large check which represented 5 percent of his total fortune.   He kept the remaining monies invested and hired Attorney Ralph Handover to manage the portfolio.  He also stopped drinking.  After his meeting with Attorney Handover Jack Taylor poured a case of  beer down the toilet and never again touched another drop of alcoholic beverage.

One month later Jack moved his mother and sister into a home he bought for them.  The house was fully furnished. Each bedroom had its own walk-in closet, private bathroom, and a dresser, of course.  
"No more plastic bags."  Jack said to his mother.

He also paid the rent for one year for his father.  That was the last time he helped his dad.  

For himself?  Jack Taylor bought two hundred and fifty four acres of mostly prime wooded upland in Grinold Township, Diffle County, PA. from Johnathan Shenk  Et. Al.  The land was bordered by Rabbit Mountain Road to the North,  Diffle County Parkland to the South, Lester and Kathy Holmes to the West, and the  Red Rodeo Subdivision to the East. A small stream, Rabbit Run, follows the Red Rodeo Subdivision running North to South. Here is a basic map:

John Shenk owned a car dealership in Nutter County.  It was a dumpy looking dealership. John Shenk didn't care. He loved his cars, his beer, and his loyal customers. If your kid needed a dependable car to get through college and you asked John Shenk and he would go to the next auction, find a cheap, dependable car and then sell it to you at cost. 300 bucks, 400 bucks and your kid had a car you could trust. So when it was time to buy a new car, you went to Shenks Auto and you paid more for your car. You didn't haggle, you didn't do comparison shopping.  Shenk took care of you so when it was time,  you took care of John Shenk.

John owned a large property on Rabbit Mountain Road. It was where he went to hunt, to drink, to hide, to cry, to laugh, to escape the garage, the sales, and his sister Betty who co-owned the dealership.  He loved the woods, the stream, and he built dirt roads along the entire boundary so he could drive all the way around.  it's easy to get lost on two hundred and fifty four acres.  John Shenk got more lost every day.  One day, John, a short, stocky man with a broad nose and a kind smile, drove into the woods with a six pack of  Reading Premium  and a 22 caliber snake pistol.   He parked near the Southern boundary at a wooden bridge crossing over Rabbit Run.  He walked onto the bridge which was nothing more than 4 telephone poles from bank to bank with 2' x 12' planks nailed on top.  

John Shenk sat with his six-pack and hung his feet over the side and just relaxed.  He didn't notice Momma  black bear with her cubs walking to the bridge. He downed his last beer.   He didn't notice the cubs until they walked up and sniffed and batted his empty beer cans off the bridge.  Then he jumped up quick with alarm, and being beer balance-challenged, he fell forward on top of one of the cubs. The screaming cub ran back to his Momma  who stood up and roared with rage.  

John Shenk pulled his snake pistol  and shot Momma with every bullet in the gun as she charged him.  He backed up to the edge of  the bridge as he fired his tiny gun , then he tripped, falling backwards into the stream where the back of his head hit a large rock. John laid there, not moving.  Momma bear leaped off the bridge and  landed on top of him. She pressed her nose into his face, teeth bared, and then she paused.  She sniffed.  She nudged. Then she walked away. John Shenk averted a bear attack.  He played dead.  and he did it better than most because he was already dead when Momma bear landed on him. 

The very last time John Shenk saw the world, he witnessed this:  Tree branches reaching right up to bright blue, white puffy-clouded sky and in the foreground: a giant black bear, completely airborne, her arms and legs spread wide with her claws extended and her teeth bared, no more than five feet directly above him.  John Shenk's last thought?   I wish I had a camera.  No one will ever believe this.  He smiled and drew in his last sweet breath on Earth.

Two months after his death, John's sister sold half the property to Red Rodeo Land Consulting.  The other half she kept for another ten years until Jack Taylor made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

DIFFLE COUNTY UPDATE: East Greenville Sues East Greenville and Wins!

 DIFFLE COUNTY UPDATE

Historian Randall O'Rourke 

East Greenville  held a referendum on the city name after their Town Constable, Johnny “Bearhug” Bartlesky made an amazing discovery. He was driving to Quakertown to pick up a prisoner from the county prison when he got lost, with the help a gas station attendant or two.   He ended up in East Greenville- in Montgomery County!    When he returned home with this revelation, the Town Council was furious and wrote a letter to the imposter East Greenville demanding they change their name.

Since the Montgomery County town was established over one hundred years before the Diffle County town, there was no way they were changing their name.  Instead East Greenville, Montgomery County sued East Greenville, Diffle County to force a name change.

In the course of discovery, it was revealed  that a significant number of tax bills were being sent to the wrong town by a somewhat confused US Postal Service.  Since the homes in Montgomery County were higher in value than the homes in  Diffle County-  our County tax fund greatly benefited. 

   “You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”,  testified Diffle County Chief Tax Assessor Randall O’Rourke at the Superior Court Hearing last April.

That was a sticking point with State Judge Anthony Grube, a former Montgomery County Prosecutor who ruled that Diffle County's East Greenville would be audited, the monies returned to the right and proper East Greenville, and a binding referendum on a new name placed on the ballot in November. Then Judge Gruber sealed the court record.

Diffle County Council formed a Name Committee and by September three names were added to the referendum:  Greenvale, PA ;  East Greenvale, PA , and Westgreen, PA.   The third name was chosen when it was pointed out to the Committee  by the town historian, Randall O’Rourke that the Diffle County seat is located on the West side of the creek, and not the East side as previously thought.

The winning vote was East Greenvale.  There were a few write-ins that gained traction but fell a few votes short. The top write-in three vote-getters   East Greensucksville;  Gruberville,  and West Easterly.

West Easterly actually won the most votes, if you count the two absentee ballots sent in by the Sean and Maggie O’Rourke. They were vacationing in Ireland at the time of election, and asked their son Randall to drop their absentee ballot off at the post office.   He forgot.

~~~

In other news -  Barry Stettler was plowing snow part-time for Grinold Township when he fell and broke his leg.

 Last October  Barry put up a shed right on the property line and his neighbor Jim Catinera filed a complaint with the zoning office.   Barry had to rent a skid-steer to move the shed five feet beck from the line. That cost him a hundred and seventy five dollars for the machine rental and permit fee. Barry was not a happy camper.

When winter arrived and it came time to plow the roads, Barry was assigned to plow Caterina’s street.  Big Don warned Barry beforehand.   “Don’t even think about doing damage to Catinera’s mailbox. “  Barry politely nodded. 

After four sweeps of the street, each time pushing snow closer and closer to the mailbox, finally Barry took one last swipe.  The heavy, wet snow flew, the post cracked, but the mailbox did not fall over.  Furious at this, Barry drove for a fifth time at the mailbox, opened the truck door and gave the box a good hard kick. Then he lost his grip on the steering wheel and fell out of the truck.  His leg hit the step rail awkwardly, then his own weight slammed down and snapped his femur like a big ol' pine branch getting whacked by a chainsaw.

The Truck continued on plowing without him, rolled down an embankment and pinned itself between two oak trees.  Big Don had to rent a crane to remove the fully-loaded salt truck  from its woodland perch.  Barry was fired and Jim Cantinera received a brand new mailbox and half a pound of  deer sausage. 

Three weeks later,  Barry’s shed blew up. “Must have been a Meth lab!” Big Don said with a big-ol’ grin.  Breaking Bad - right here in Diffle County.  You just never know.

Diffle County Update: Tracking The Great White Buck (Part 2)

 Story by Rick Fisher  All characters and places are fictional. Any resemblance to real folks we know is purely intentional  coincidental; Copyright 2013 All Rights Reserved.  NSA file No. 2314566780000999330000.1302df 

Big Don (or Country Dave if you prefer) walked Jesse Kern through the garage to a flight of stairs that led to Don's office above the town's meeting room. Big Don had a Pepsi in one hand and a legal pad filled with numbers in the other hand. Jesse Kern stood for a moment in the hallway outside of of Don's always-open door.

 "Come in and plop yourself in a chair" said Big Don as he dropped his own large frame into his Staples-discounted 99-dollar black-plastic-fake leather office chair. 

Jesse sat down in one of two provincial chairs that clearly belonged in the home Mrs. Carolyn Dorshimer,  President of the East Greenville Garden Society.  Jesse hadn't noticed that the chairs were completely out of place in a municipal office.  He did notice they were rather uncomfortable.   Perhaps that is why Big Don liked them so much.

"That chair you're sitting in we pulled out of the dumpster on clean-up day,"  said Country Dave (or Big Don if you prefer) who smiled broadly, his grayish-blue eyes twinkling with mirth.  "The Dorshimers drove in with a truck full of furniture. They pretended to be Township residents. Larry asked them what road they lived on and she politely said, 'We live right off Main Street on a private lane."  We helped them dump their furniture and then I told them, 'Now If you come back with more junk be certain to bring someone who lives on Main Street'  They didn't come back.   You know she is President of the Garden Society."

Jesse nodded. 

 Big Don went on, without barely taking a breath.  "I hear you have been tracking a white buck.  I remember when me and my pop, God rest his soul, saw a white buck.  We had been hunting all day and hadn't seen a single deer.  We had just gotten back to the cabin and had sat down on the front porch with a few refreshments.  Our guns were leaning against the wall just outside the front door.  We may have been onto our second or third refreshment when down the lane trots a white buck. He stops 30 feet from the porch, directly in front of us and stops to nibble on some grass. We sat in our porch rockers watching him for about two or three minutes.  He was a 10 pointer with a fine rack. What a trophy.  I quietly reached over for my gun." 

Big Don took a sip of his Pepsi as he got up from his chair, which groaned and cracked from the loss of his weight.    Big Don held the soda can like a gun, pretending to point it at a deer.

"So I leveled my rifle and took aim. I was about to release the safety when Pop yells 'HA!' jumps out of his chair and slams the palms of his hands down hard on the porch railing several times. He even scared me. The buck leaps into the air with a snort and was gone before I could fire.  I turned to Pop and said, 'Why the hell did you do that?   I had him perfect in my sights!'

Big Don looked Jesse right in the eyes.  "Pop looked at me straight in the eyes.  'There's some things you don't kill. It's bad luck to shoot a white deer."

Then Big Don grinned that old just between us grin he was famous for.  "So what can East Greenville Township do for you?

Jesse Kern paused briefly then replied, "I don't believe in luck and I want that deer on my wall.  I've been tracking him for quite a while now but he's vanished these past two weeks.  Do you know anyone who has seen him?  Al Jacobs thought he saw the Albino last week across the pond."

Big Don shook his head .  "I don't know anyone who has seen your trophy in the past few weeks, Jesse. Did you check down at the Legion?  "Jesse nodded his head.  Don paused in thought for a moment and then broke into another smile.  "I have just the thing for you. We have a GameSpy camera you might be able to use. Diffle County Waste Management gave it to us. We had folks dumping at the dead end on Shale Pit Lane.  We used the camera to try to catch them in the act."

Don got up and walked over to tall file cabinet, pulled out the bottom drawer, and removed a camouflage-covered plastic box.  He set the box on the desk, opened the face of it, and pulled out a camera.

"This is a motion sensor camera.  After it is activated by movement, it will film for 15 seconds.  It has night vision too.   You place it in this protective box, lock it in,  and secure the box to a tree.  This camera does an excellent job of filming deer. That's a fact we learned on Shale Pit Lane."   They both chuckled. Big Don handed the camera and box to Jesse.   "Try it out for a few weeks but our zoning officer will want it back so try to remind yourself to return it.."

Jesse stood up and thanked  Big Don. "I will try to remind myself. And I know exactly where I want to place this camera." Jesse looked down at the camera in his hand.

"Good!" Big Don Exclaimed, "Now I've got to get through these numbers before the State Auditor arrives.  Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!"

Jesse stood motionless for a moment in front of Don's desk. Don sat back down in his groaning chair, grabbed a pencil off the desk and adjusted his adding machine.

"Don, why don't you use a computer to add those numbers?" asked Jesse Kern.

"Don't trust computers," Don replied, "Never did and never will. I can add just fine on my own. Then I know it's right."  Big Don waved Jesse towards the door.  "Now go catch your great white buck and don't bring any bad luck back into this office!"

A few hours later, Jesse Kern was ten feet high in an old oak tree pointing the Township camera down a woods path on the State Game lands directly behind his farm.  He had seen enough buck rubs high up on the smaller trees to know there was a buck with a big rack moving through these woods.  Maybe he would get lucky and make a great discovery.

Diffle County Historical Society Note:  Big Don is a Grinold Township Supervisor.  There is no Main Street in Grinold Township, Diffle County.  Mr. and Mrs. Martin Dorshimer are residents of East Greenville Borough, Diffle County, PA They reside on Carolyn Lane. Mrs. Dorshimer has been President of the East Greenville Garden Society for over 24 years.

~/~

The Diffle County Report - Jesse Kern and the Great White Catch (Part 1)

Jesse Kern led a rugged life. He didn't know much else and by his own reckoning, he never needed to know.   He was raised poor in a one room cabin on the H.Kern Farm. His property overlooked a small valley along Potter Creek. The land had been in his family's name for over two hundred years. 

Jesse's dad taught him to track, hunt, fish, raise chickens and then chop off their heads. Bill Kern also taught his son how ferment black raspberries.   That was over 33 years ago.  Jesse's mom died when he was near enough to seven to spit at it.  His dad never re-married. Bill Kern died of prostate cancer about three years ago or so. 

For Jesse, days and years sort of blended together and he rarely would remember an anniversary or birthday.  He preferred the timeless movement of the woods- the snort of a deer, growl of a bear, and the scream of a rabbit were sounds he remembered and dates he studiously kept track of in a small black, leather-bound journal.

Jesse Kern was single.  It seemed to him that women wanted a reward for leaving him. He paid a price every time he fell in love.  Lately, he was more concerned about shooting a deer goodnight than saying goodnight dear.

A few days ago Charlie Ross had spotted a 12-point White Buck lying low under a stand of hemlocks. Charlie lived  about a half-mile North of Jesse Kern on County Road 319.  The white buck or albino buck is one of the rarest of deer and to have it's head stuffed and hung on the rec room wall was a Diffle County source of pride.

Within a few hours of lying quietly under a forest canopy, the white buck was talked about at Church Bingo, at the Masonic Lodge, at the Knights of Columbus, at the local Elks, the Moose, the VFW, the American Legion, and every other bar and tavern in Diffle County.  By the time Jesse Kern heard about the white buck, it had grown to State record size with at least 18 points of sheer white antler divinity.   

Jesse pushed his stringy blonde hair back behind his ears and smiled. He knew that stand of hemlocks sat on the border between his property and the state game lands.  For the past two days Jesse walked all the familiar paths in the woods near his cabin.  He looked for signs of buck rub on the higher branches, where only a prize buck in his prime could reach. He studied the tracks on the deer trails and paths.  He sat in his favorite deer stand and watched the forest underneath. He listened for the buck that might be nearby, moving through the thicker brush with quiet respect for the man watching from the trees.

Jesse Kern walked these trails nearly every day, setting traps and  blinds, and fixing deer stands. Kern knew Diffle County better than Google Earth.  He adjusted his backpack and rifle as he began tracking the elusive white deer.

In 1945, Jesse's Grandfather Harold and Great Uncle Paul divided the 150 acre farm where County Road 319 ran through the center.  At least Harold Kern thought the road divided the land in half.  A few years after the papers were signed, Harold hired a surveyor.  He owned 47 acres. His scoundrel of a brother owned 103 acres.  Harold Kern had trusted his brother and learned a bitter lesson in vocabulary: Without the word betrayal, the word trust would cease to exist.

Now through a stroke of luck, bad for Paul's side of the family and good for Jesse- the entire farm was going to become whole again. Great Uncle Paul and his wife Viola only had three children, Maggie, Ruth, and  Johnathan.  Naturally, Paul left his entire estate to Jesse's Uncle Johnathan- who married a frail woman from the city named Cecile Robuster. She promptly died of cancer on her 24th birthday and left Johnathan childless.  He never remarried (some say John preferred the company of men anyway) and recently passed away from an "unknown disease". The sole heir of his estate? Jesse Kern.  Great Uncle Paul was rolling over in his grave. Paul's sisters sued for their fair share of the estate and lost in court over the very clear handwriting in Great Uncle Paul's last Will and Testament.

The words were written like this:

    ( "...as for my two thieving gossiping, man-killing sisters I leave each one dollar of monopoly money.  I won't have my hard earned cash tossed into one-armed bandits and drunk down with fancy drinks.  There isn't a bank in hell that would take my money but Maggie and Ruth would sure as hell try to deposit it there.  I also leave nothing for their children or their children's children.  I'd rather give my money to a clan of gypsies. I'd rather leave it to my bastard brother's grandson. Leave them nothing and don't let a judge tell you otherwise. I am of sound mind and body and this is my last request.  Signed  Paul Kern"

Since the land transfer wasn't yet complete, Jesse Kern stayed off his Uncle's farm.  Besides the deer was Jesse's main concern and he was focused on that stand of hemlocks  near the game lands. Despite several sightings from residents all over Diffle County,  Jesse Kern hadn't caught the slightest scent of this world record buck.  He decided to talk with the best hunter in Diffle County and get some tips on how to catch the great white deer.  Big Don opened the door to the Township building and smiled broadly from ear to ear as Jesse Kern stepped inside. 

"You've come to the right place!" Big Don exclaimed as they walked through an interior doorway that led to the Township garage..

END PART 1

Diffle County Commissioners and the Water Thieving Scoundrel

 Diffle County is rich with water. This life force bubbles out of the ground in our rare and beautiful sand springs which in turn fills our wetlands, streams, rivers, and lakes. The clear nectar pours out of our artesian wells.  With a pick and a shovel a homesteader could dig a shallow well in a couple of days and be filling cow troughs within a day after that.  Diffle County folks know the water comes from rich aquifers deep under the Pennsylvania mountains.  Our streams are clear of silt and full of native fish.  We have four trout hatcheries in full operation. The State Fish Commission doesn't stock our lakes.  They don't need to. We have plenty. Water has never been a commodity here. Water is a privileged and time-honored right of existence as it should be everywhere. And we take it for granted.

Our elected Diffle County Commissioners never even gave water regulations a second thought.  Then Baker Springs Mineral Water Company, Inc. bought Jesse Baker's 120-acre farm, drilled 3 commercial wells, and paved the driveway. Within a few months of their new ownership, Rocky Springs was rolling 30 tanker trucks a day in and out of the old Baker farm, down Diffle County roads, and across Diffle County bridges.

At their next monthly meeting, the commissioners placed "Water Thieving Scoundrel" on their Agenda list for discussion and sent a formal letter to the CEO of Baker Springs Mineral Water Company, Inc. requesting his attendance.  The letter, crafted by Doris Black, the commissioners secretary for over 40 years, read like this:

DIFFLE COUNTY COMMISSIONERS OFFICE

1 COURTHOUSE SQUARE  P.O. BOX 21

NORTH GREENVALE, PA

"Fish, Hunt, and Play and When You're Done- Go Away"

August 10, 2015

Jean Hunter, CEO

Baker Springs Water Co

15 Watercress Dr.

Watertown, NY

Re: Misappropriation of Diffle County Groundwater Water

Dear Mr. Hunt:

You are required to attend the County Commissioners public meeting on August 15, 2015 at 730 p.m. to discuss your removal of county  water from our aquifer without a permit or permission. 

Seriously Yours,

Donald Tanglelic

Chairman, 

Diffle County Commissioners 

On August 15th at 7:00 p.m. in the ornately designed County Meeting Room No. 1, in front of a packed house of mostly curious (the usual crowd of meeting groupies) and a few angry citizens (adjoining property owners to the Baker farm),  the County Commissioners called the meeting to order.  Present  and seated at the was  Donald Tanglelic, Chairman,  Robert Darling, Vice -Chair, and Lawrence Busch, Secretary-Treasurer,  County Engineer Douglas Windmere, PE, and David J. Sears, Esq., County Solicitor.  Doris Black sat at a side table, her white hair most recently in curls but now coiffed and sprayed in its Sunday church best.  Sitting next to Doris was a stenographer hired by Baker Springs to record a transcript of the meeting.

The front row of the audience was reserved and empty, as per the request of Baker Springs.  Chairman Tanglelic called the meeting to order, all rose and everyone recited the pledge of allegiance.  After the audience was seated, the the representatives of Baker Springs Mineral Water Company, Inc. filed into the room.  The first three were attorneys, followed by a hydro-geologist, two engineers, a soil scientist, a representative from the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection, the manager of the facility, and then Jean Hunter, CEO. 

Ms. Jean Hunter stood 6'1" tall in heels, had long, dark brown hair that glistened like black velvet and ended in a straight, professional cut in the small of back, just above her derriere. Her movie star figure carried just enough curves and was elegantly displayed in a tight, form fitting black cocktail dress, wholly inappropriate for a county meeting.  The room fell into silence as she sat down in the seat directly across from the commissioners.  She tightly crossed her legs and looked Chairman Tanglelic, tilting her head slightly to one side, her large brown eyes accentuating the beauty of her lightly freckled face. She wrinkled her upturned nose ever so slightly, and her ruby-red lips parted slightly to reveal her white, television-ready teeth. 

"Good evening Commissioners" said Ms. Jean Hunter as she adjusted herself in her seat. "Thank you for reserving the front row. We are a large, loving family and I sometimes forget that we take up a lot of space,  I hope we haven't inconvenienced you this evening."   She smiled brightly and the room lights appeared to brighten alongside her.   All three commissioners melted into their chairs.

" I will forgive you for assuming I was man in your letter to me.  I have to admit I was surprised to read your letter and I was concerned from its tone, that you were planning something that would have the potential to harm my business." 

"As you can see I brought my lawyers and hydrologists and I could allow them to speak- but they talk with less diplomacy than I do."   She smiled at the community leaders.   "I want to give something back to your community. And so my firm has been in contact with our financiers and the owners of the largest aquarium in the world.  Next month we will submit plans to Diffle County for a state of the art environmental center and aquarium, focusing on the native fish from this area.  We estimate the project will cost $265 million dollars and will include a hotel.   Are there any questions?"

Deafening silence.

Ms. Hunter stood up and smiled brightly at the commissioners.  Then she snapped her fingers and her subordinates leaped to their feet and the entire group marched out of the room, with Ms. Hunter the last to leave, turning back one last time to wave to the room of stunned citizens and their elected officials.

And that is how Difffle County ended up with the Diffle County Aquarium/Hunter Environmental Center and the rest of the country drinks from Baker Springs.

A Diffle County Fourth of July

On April 30th Kandee Dalton passed the forty-year mark. She celebrated at the District Justice's office with her fifth marriage ceremony. Of course, there was open betting within Diffle County that her latest husband, Harvin Williams would be down the road by June. A secondary bet was how empty his pockets would be on the trip out.  Her last husband had to borrow bus fare from Big Don to get himself on a one way bus to the next state.

Kandee Dalton owned the only diner in East Greenvale.  She stood just about 5'4" foot tall in 4" heels and her curly blonde hair spilled over her petite shoulders like a bad 70's perm.  Think Barbara Streisand in Main Event, but with a smaller, upturned nose and bright blue eyes.  

When she was a younger woman, she and a girlfriend had a few too many sangrias and decided to stand on an Interstate overpass and flash the truckers travelling East. She thought it would make their long journey more enjoyable.  Two jack-knifed trucks later, Kandee Dalton earned herself a household name.  Of course, she embraced it, naming her newly bought diner 

 ~Kandee's Truck Stop~

She was pretty enough, more than sexy enough. and definitely smart enough not to go to jail for risking a catastrophe that day.  When she met the County prosecutor it was love at first sight. She married District Attorney Mark Holmes after his office declined to prosecute her.  He was Kandee's first husband and they were divorced within a year. She bought a BMW to celebrate. He moved to North County and never returned.

Kandee was always looking to insert herself into an idea.   It basically worked like this:  Kandee would be talking to a neighbor or co-worker at Diffle County Children and Youth, where she was a secretary.  After thirty minutes of a Kandee monologue, the other person would try to find an out-subject. An out-subject is where you interrupt almost rudely, float a sentence to change the subject and hope it gets you out of the conversation and the room.  Mary Timpson-Smith, a wall-flower of a case worker, decided it was time to employ an out-subject on Kandee, who had been rattling on for a half hour over living room draperies. 

"Speaking of those old colonial drapes. I just don't understand why we have a Halloween parade but we don't have a parade to celebrate our Nation's Independence!" exclaimed Mary, building herself up for the big finale, "Why I get so angry it's all I can do to deliver this very important letter to my boss, which I better get to right away. You have a good day Kandee!"  And off she went, an out-subject success.

At that moment an idea birthed inside Kandee's brain - followed closely by a question

Kandee's Idea:   We should have a Fourth of July festival in Diffle County.  One with a parade, games for kids, food booths, and fireworks!  I bet the only reason it hasn't happened is because nobody has tried.  I should organize it!

Kandee Question:  I wonder if I can get paid for my efforts? I wouldn't ask for alot..just enough to cover my expenses plus 15%. That seems fair enough.

Kandee was quite talented at getting donations from local male merchants.She was a flirt and men are dogs which was perfect for the July 4th celebration.  Millers Grocery Store donated 4000 hot dogs, the East Greenvvale Elks donated 4000 hot dog buns,  Antonicci Pizza donated 40 pizza pies,  Johnston Office Supplies donated paper products for 4000 people, Happy Lucky Chinese Take-Out donated 4000 fortune cookies, and Millers Grocery Store ( this required more flirting), donated 6000 cans of Roadhouse Root Beer.  It's amazing what a pretty smile and a low-cut blouse can accomplish in  Greenvale.

By March, Kandee had a parade organized that was partly sponsored  by the VFW and American Legion. A 15 minute fireworks display costing 10,000 dollars was sponsored by the Fraternal Order of the Masons, Lodge No. 0110 and the Knights of Columbus, East Greenvale Chapter.

Kandee had one last hurdle: County Council approval.  On Monday, April 4th, Kandee attended the Council meeting. Her request for a parade permit and permission for a fireworks display was scheduled for a vote.  The Council consisted of 5 women and 4 men.  

When Kandee entered Council chambers, the women on Council grimaced, frowned, clucked their tongues, and sent eye daggers by the thousands,  The men sat with twinkly eyes and bright, little boy smiles. Kandee was wearing a leopard print, body-clinging, spandex workout suit with 6 inch heels. She had teased her hair and looked like she stepped out of a movie- perhaps Saturday Night Fever or perhaps Saturday Night Sex Fever,

The meeting was not going smoothly. Every decision was decided along the gender line.   A proposed new shopping center, their plans not quite up to snuff- lost an extension request by a vote of 5-4.  A request for approval to allow the Warden to attend a conference on jailhouse security: No by a 5-4 vote.  And so it went until the last item on the agenda made it to the floor- The 1st Annual Diffle County 4th of July Parade and Picnic.   The meeting was already two hours old yet the room was still packed- there wasn't an extra seat in the house.

Kandee pitched her proposal to County Council.   Rebecca Lohman, Chairperson,  watched Kandee with clear disdain. She began peppering Kandee with questions.

" What about insurance for the event?  You want to use our roads, our park and our lake for this event.  Our insurance carrier insists you provide additional coverage."  Horst Muhlman of Old Farm Insurance jumped up from his seat.

"Old Farm Insurance has already issued a 2 million dollar coverage policy for the event, Madam Chair."  Kandee smiled at Horst. Horst winked at Kandee.

"We will not use taxpayers' money to police this event." sneered Ms. Lohman at Kandee.

County Sheriff Terence Drunkhenbeeter stood up. "My deputies who are off-duty have volunteered their time to provide traffic control.  I will also be assisting on my day off."  Kandee winked at the grinning Sheriff.

Chair Lohman frowned,  "We have an endangered species at the lake.  We can not risk damaging their habitat."

Mr, Randy Smart of the Difle County Conservation District stood up.  "Those turtles are already back down in the mud, in the bog end of the lake.  This event is more than 300 feet away and is perfectly acceptable to our office. Mr. Smart nodded to Kandee, his face blushing ever so slightly. Kandee was grinning from ear to ear.

Chairperson  Lohman stared at the papers on her desk for a moment, then asked.  "Can I get a motion, please?"

"Councilman John Henry made the motion to approve Kandee's project, seconded by Paul Rodgers.  The vote was called for and Kandee lost 5-4- right down the gender line.

She appealed.  In late May, Kandee and her attorney, former district attorney Mark Holmes, made her case before Senior Judge William Butler.  She won. Judge Butler ordered Diffle County to issue a permit for the parade and fireworks display.

Diffle County did not appeal Judge Butler's decision based upon the advice of their solicitor, James Dunce. In an Executive session, he advised County Council that the legal cost of fighting Kandee's discrimination lawsuit (filed in Federal Court in Philadelphia) could exceed 100,000 dollars. Solicitor Dunce recommended  settlement.  Diffle County Council voted 5-4 for the settlement, Chairperson Lohman switching over to vote with the men.  "Just this one time!" She stated, her upper lip stiff as a corpse at the city morgue.  The settlement was for $35,00.00.  Kandee considered it as payment for services rendered.

On July 4th,  Diffle County held the largest parade in County history.  Veterans marched, 15 high school bands marched, patriotic floats rolled down the main drag in between drum corps, clown troupes, and baton twirlers. Two Mummer companies from Philadelphia marched in their own merry way, umbrellas twirling high in the air.  People packed the sidewalks five deep and street merchants sold American flags and glow in the dark necklaces.

The parade ended at the County Park where a grand picnic was held. Directly behind huge tubs of potato salad (donated by the East Greenvale German Lutheran Society) and holding a large serving spoon stood a bikini-clad Kandee Dalton. Standing to her right was Attorney Mark Holmes, dishing out the baked beans.

After dark, thousands of  Diffle County folk sat on their blankets and beach chairs waiting for the fireworks show. Across whe lake, the Lucky Happy Fireworks Company shot off the first round.  But something went wrong and all the fireworks went off at once. The display lasted 12 seconds.  The entire crowd moaned in unison.

Kandee giggled, spoon in one hand and Attorney Mark Holmes in the palm of the other hand.

~~~