A Diffle County Fourth of July

On April 30th Kandee Dalton passed the forty-year mark. She celebrated at the District Justice's office with her fifth marriage ceremony. Of course, there was open betting within Diffle County that her latest husband, Harvin Williams would be down the road by June. A secondary bet was how empty his pockets would be on the trip out.  Her last husband had to borrow bus fare from Big Don to get himself on a one way bus to the next state.

Kandee Dalton owned the only diner in East Greenvale.  She stood just about 5'4" foot tall in 4" heels and her curly blonde hair spilled over her petite shoulders like a bad 70's perm.  Think Barbara Streisand in Main Event, but with a smaller, upturned nose and bright blue eyes.  

When she was a younger woman, she and a girlfriend had a few too many sangrias and decided to stand on an Interstate overpass and flash the truckers travelling East. She thought it would make their long journey more enjoyable.  Two jack-knifed trucks later, Kandee Dalton earned herself a household name.  Of course, she embraced it, naming her newly bought diner 

 ~Kandee's Truck Stop~

She was pretty enough, more than sexy enough. and definitely smart enough not to go to jail for risking a catastrophe that day.  When she met the County prosecutor it was love at first sight. She married District Attorney Mark Holmes after his office declined to prosecute her.  He was Kandee's first husband and they were divorced within a year. She bought a BMW to celebrate. He moved to North County and never returned.

Kandee was always looking to insert herself into an idea.   It basically worked like this:  Kandee would be talking to a neighbor or co-worker at Diffle County Children and Youth, where she was a secretary.  After thirty minutes of a Kandee monologue, the other person would try to find an out-subject. An out-subject is where you interrupt almost rudely, float a sentence to change the subject and hope it gets you out of the conversation and the room.  Mary Timpson-Smith, a wall-flower of a case worker, decided it was time to employ an out-subject on Kandee, who had been rattling on for a half hour over living room draperies. 

"Speaking of those old colonial drapes. I just don't understand why we have a Halloween parade but we don't have a parade to celebrate our Nation's Independence!" exclaimed Mary, building herself up for the big finale, "Why I get so angry it's all I can do to deliver this very important letter to my boss, which I better get to right away. You have a good day Kandee!"  And off she went, an out-subject success.

At that moment an idea birthed inside Kandee's brain - followed closely by a question

Kandee's Idea:   We should have a Fourth of July festival in Diffle County.  One with a parade, games for kids, food booths, and fireworks!  I bet the only reason it hasn't happened is because nobody has tried.  I should organize it!

Kandee Question:  I wonder if I can get paid for my efforts? I wouldn't ask for alot..just enough to cover my expenses plus 15%. That seems fair enough.

Kandee was quite talented at getting donations from local male merchants.She was a flirt and men are dogs which was perfect for the July 4th celebration.  Millers Grocery Store donated 4000 hot dogs, the East Greenvvale Elks donated 4000 hot dog buns,  Antonicci Pizza donated 40 pizza pies,  Johnston Office Supplies donated paper products for 4000 people, Happy Lucky Chinese Take-Out donated 4000 fortune cookies, and Millers Grocery Store ( this required more flirting), donated 6000 cans of Roadhouse Root Beer.  It's amazing what a pretty smile and a low-cut blouse can accomplish in  Greenvale.

By March, Kandee had a parade organized that was partly sponsored  by the VFW and American Legion. A 15 minute fireworks display costing 10,000 dollars was sponsored by the Fraternal Order of the Masons, Lodge No. 0110 and the Knights of Columbus, East Greenvale Chapter.

Kandee had one last hurdle: County Council approval.  On Monday, April 4th, Kandee attended the Council meeting. Her request for a parade permit and permission for a fireworks display was scheduled for a vote.  The Council consisted of 5 women and 4 men.  

When Kandee entered Council chambers, the women on Council grimaced, frowned, clucked their tongues, and sent eye daggers by the thousands,  The men sat with twinkly eyes and bright, little boy smiles. Kandee was wearing a leopard print, body-clinging, spandex workout suit with 6 inch heels. She had teased her hair and looked like she stepped out of a movie- perhaps Saturday Night Fever or perhaps Saturday Night Sex Fever,

The meeting was not going smoothly. Every decision was decided along the gender line.   A proposed new shopping center, their plans not quite up to snuff- lost an extension request by a vote of 5-4.  A request for approval to allow the Warden to attend a conference on jailhouse security: No by a 5-4 vote.  And so it went until the last item on the agenda made it to the floor- The 1st Annual Diffle County 4th of July Parade and Picnic.   The meeting was already two hours old yet the room was still packed- there wasn't an extra seat in the house.

Kandee pitched her proposal to County Council.   Rebecca Lohman, Chairperson,  watched Kandee with clear disdain. She began peppering Kandee with questions.

" What about insurance for the event?  You want to use our roads, our park and our lake for this event.  Our insurance carrier insists you provide additional coverage."  Horst Muhlman of Old Farm Insurance jumped up from his seat.

"Old Farm Insurance has already issued a 2 million dollar coverage policy for the event, Madam Chair."  Kandee smiled at Horst. Horst winked at Kandee.

"We will not use taxpayers' money to police this event." sneered Ms. Lohman at Kandee.

County Sheriff Terence Drunkhenbeeter stood up. "My deputies who are off-duty have volunteered their time to provide traffic control.  I will also be assisting on my day off."  Kandee winked at the grinning Sheriff.

Chair Lohman frowned,  "We have an endangered species at the lake.  We can not risk damaging their habitat."

Mr, Randy Smart of the Difle County Conservation District stood up.  "Those turtles are already back down in the mud, in the bog end of the lake.  This event is more than 300 feet away and is perfectly acceptable to our office. Mr. Smart nodded to Kandee, his face blushing ever so slightly. Kandee was grinning from ear to ear.

Chairperson  Lohman stared at the papers on her desk for a moment, then asked.  "Can I get a motion, please?"

"Councilman John Henry made the motion to approve Kandee's project, seconded by Paul Rodgers.  The vote was called for and Kandee lost 5-4- right down the gender line.

She appealed.  In late May, Kandee and her attorney, former district attorney Mark Holmes, made her case before Senior Judge William Butler.  She won. Judge Butler ordered Diffle County to issue a permit for the parade and fireworks display.

Diffle County did not appeal Judge Butler's decision based upon the advice of their solicitor, James Dunce. In an Executive session, he advised County Council that the legal cost of fighting Kandee's discrimination lawsuit (filed in Federal Court in Philadelphia) could exceed 100,000 dollars. Solicitor Dunce recommended  settlement.  Diffle County Council voted 5-4 for the settlement, Chairperson Lohman switching over to vote with the men.  "Just this one time!" She stated, her upper lip stiff as a corpse at the city morgue.  The settlement was for $35,00.00.  Kandee considered it as payment for services rendered.

On July 4th,  Diffle County held the largest parade in County history.  Veterans marched, 15 high school bands marched, patriotic floats rolled down the main drag in between drum corps, clown troupes, and baton twirlers. Two Mummer companies from Philadelphia marched in their own merry way, umbrellas twirling high in the air.  People packed the sidewalks five deep and street merchants sold American flags and glow in the dark necklaces.

The parade ended at the County Park where a grand picnic was held. Directly behind huge tubs of potato salad (donated by the East Greenvale German Lutheran Society) and holding a large serving spoon stood a bikini-clad Kandee Dalton. Standing to her right was Attorney Mark Holmes, dishing out the baked beans.

After dark, thousands of  Diffle County folk sat on their blankets and beach chairs waiting for the fireworks show. Across whe lake, the Lucky Happy Fireworks Company shot off the first round.  But something went wrong and all the fireworks went off at once. The display lasted 12 seconds.  The entire crowd moaned in unison.

Kandee giggled, spoon in one hand and Attorney Mark Holmes in the palm of the other hand.

~~~

Diffle County Update: The Jimmy Deagan Story

A story by Rick Fisher  All characters of Diffle County are fictional. Warning: Some languiage may not be suitable for children.

Jimmy Deagan was an angry kid. His father was a drunk.  It was a family tradition. He had his father's eyes too. Tall, dark, and dangerously handsome, Jimmy could have passed for a All-America High school quarterback, except for those eyes.  Deep-set under dark eyebrows with long, black lashes; they were piercingly beautiful. They were painful and angry. They were unpredictable and deadly.   They invited girls to ruin.

When Jimmy was twelve years old, he stole magazines from the local drug store. He didn't get caught.  Then he invited Robert (Bobby) Jenkins to steal magazines and laughed and ran away, while Bobby sat handcuffed to a chair waiting for his parents to take him home.  Jimmy showed that stupid kid how to steal the wrong way- just for kicks.

By the time Jimmy was fifteen, he had fathered a child and two abortions. He could pass for eighteen and the older girls flocked to the bad boy of Diffle County.  They told him he looked like James Dean. He told them to shut up and spread their legs or he would smash their face.  It was easy for Jimmy Deagan to get laid.

At sixteen, he borrowed a car and pushed it off a cliff into the old Westville quarry.  It belonged to the only teacher who gave him an A in class.  That night was one of his favorites.  They met at her apartment just like every other Friday night.  But Jimmy Deagan was getting bored with the relationship.  He told her the A was bullshit. He didn't even show up after the first class.  That was all the time he needed to let her know she was going to belong to him and no wasn't an option.

Lindsey Vale was only twenty-three years old and fresh out of college.  She wasn't the prettiest woman and was flattered by his attention.  What could it hurt? She had never done a dangerous thing in her entire restrained life. Jimmy is a bad boy and they have a code, she thought. They could have some mutual fun and no one would get hurt. Jimmy would never rat her out. Clearly, Lindsey didn't take enough psychology courses in college.  When Jimmy Deagan is bored, people get hurt.

They were lying in her bed, smoking cigarettes in silence. He had been different tonight, rougher and uncaring. She felt uncertain. She felt used.  He slapped, he bit, he pulled hair, he took her in ways and in places she didn't expect nor want.  The silence lay between them now like a heavy stone. Finally and painfully she gathered the courage to speak.

"Jimmy, that wasn't fun for me. You hurt me tonight. You did things to me that were disrespectful." she whispered softly, her eyes misting with small tears.

"You should just shut up. You enjoyed it.  I don't need you bitching at me after you begged me, OK?"

"I'm not bitching and I was begging you to stop.  You really hurt me, Jimmy. We've been together   for almost six months.  I should be able to talk to you about how I feel."  Lindsey's tears began to flow.

"I got something I need to do.  I need to take your car for awhile.   I won't be long with it."   He looked directly into her wet eyes and smirked.  "Hey, I'll even give it a wash."

"I don't know.  Do you even have a license?  Why not let me drive you there? I can drive you Jimmy"  she searched her young lover's eyes for any level of tenderness, tears and mascara streaming down alongside her nose and over her upper lip. She could taste the salt.

"I'm not asking permission.  You're not my mother.  Where are the keys, in your purse?"  Jimmy threw back the covers and got out of bed, picked up his clothes off the floor and dressed himself, cigarette blunt hanging loosely from the corner of his James Dean mouth.  "Go get them for me."

"Jimmy, please no. Not tonight. Stay here.  I need you to hold me."  Lindsey's cries turned to hard, body-raking sobs.

James Deagan walked over to the bed, grabbed Lindsey by the hair and pulled her naked body onto the floor.  Lindsey screamed as he dragged her across the room, tossing her like a rag against her dresser.

"Reach into your purse and get me your fucking car keys."  Jimmy stood over her, his dark eyes glaring in anger and disgust.  Lindsey struggled to her feet, pulling her long, brown hair around her neck and holding it tightly.  With her free hand she reached into her purse for the car keys.  Jimmy stole them out of her hand and walked out of the room.  "See ya in the newspapers."

Twenty minutes later, Lindseys' car lay at the bottom of the quarry.  Jimmy watched it sink, then dove off the cliff himself, swam to the opposite shore, and walked, clothes soaking wet, to the Westville Police station. He was humming a sea shanty to himself.  It was a beautiful night.

Jimmy Deagan explained to the officer-on-duty how his high school teacher seduced him and initiated sex with him. She told him if he didn't fuck her, she would flunk him out of school. He wanted to run away.  After they had sexual intercourse several times, she insisted he drive her car to the mini-mart and buy her more cigarettes. She told him to take a drive and calm down and to think about how lucky he was that she chose him to be her "special student". Then she swore him to secrecy about what had happened between him.  Later the police report would reflect that there were no cigarettes in Lindsey Vales's house.  

Jimmy told the officer and then later the District Attorney and then the Grand Jury  how he didn't even realize he was on the quarry road until the car was airborne. He swam out the window and barely cleared the car before it sunk four hundred feet to the bottom. "I'm telling the truth, officer."

The police are not dumb. They watch and they see. It was common knowledge around the barracks that Deagan and Vale spent time together at her house.  The rumor mill was turning on that story for months.  However, police reports seldom include rumor mills.  Once upon a time, several years earlier, John Deagan was a highly decorated police officer- until the drink caught up with him and his wife. She died in the fiery car crash.  John Deagan survived but his son Jimmy was never the same after that night.  The local police made it a point to keep an eye on Jimmy and help him whenever they could.

The following morning, Lindsey Vale was physically removed from her apartment in handcuffs and leg irons, arrested for having sex with a minor.  The local and regional papers were there to take her picture and ask rude questions. Miss Vale was placed in the rear seat of a Westville patrol car and driven away to jail. By the end of the day, she was infamous, a household name, and Jimmy Deagan, son of John, was rolling around under the football bleachers with Tammy Goodwin,  a sophomore cheerleader.

Jimmy's dad hadn't been home in three days, out on a bender somewhere nearby.  John Deagan missed the entire event.  Lindsey Vale lost her job and was sent off to prison by a partial local jury, Jimmy's dad sobered up for awhile, just long enough to kick Jimmy out of the house.  Jimmy lived on the street for 6 months before his father took him back in, offering Jimmy a beer to celebrate his homecoming.   Jimmy declined, vowing to never drink alcohol as long as he lived.

A few years passed. Lindsey was released from prison. She left the area and was never heard from again.  A mutual friend said she tried to find another teaching job, lied on her application, and after working for a few months her lie was uncovered and she was sent packing again.

Jimmy hooked up with an older woman from Nother county and they were living together in a rented rancher on Crowley Drive.  The police visited the house often to settle arguments between the two.  No one knew her very well and no one cared as long as Jimmy stayed there and wasn't causing any more trouble in Diffle County.

Jimmy also spent time with a slight, dark-haired man he met at the Downtown tavern. His new friend was a part-time drug dealer named Kevin Valence. They met sitting at the bar and soon were inseparable. They spent most of the time at the ranch house on Crowley drive or at the Downtown tavern looking for new customers.  They snorted the profits. Kevin never ran out of money.

Folks on Crowley Drive began to notice that more and more junk was ending up on the Deagan property.  Before long, broken and battered cars were parked in the front lawn like old broken ornaments. His neighbors filed complaints and soon local officials were paying Jimmy and his girlfriend regular visits. He was ordered to clean up but Jimmy ignored the certified letters.  If the outside was bad, the inside was even worse.There was barely enough room to walk from room to room. Jimmy, his girlfriend, and Kevin Valence had become classic hoarders.

The paramedics found Jimmy Deagan lying between piles of clothes, trash, and plastic bags. When the police first walked in all they could see from floor to ceiling was huge stacks of papers, empty boxes, junked toys, porn magazines and dirty clothing. Then they saw a foot and it was connected to a leg, which was connected to the lifeless body of James D. Deagan.  When they turned him over to attempt resuscitation, his eyes were wide open and filled with fear.  Pinned to his chest was a sheet of paper with a large F written in red pen. On a nearby table lay a small a bag of pure heroin, a razor blade, an empty bottle of whiskey and an open beer.  The Coroner's report confirmed James David Degean died of a heroin overdose combined with alcohol poisoning.

His drug dealer friend was never seen again.  A few months later, Joanna Wentzel moved out of the rancher, leaving behind a house filled with garbage and rubbish.  It cost the landlord over five thousand dollars to remove all the non-living trash.

Today, a thousand miles away from death and squalor Lindsey Vale and her husband Kevin play with their son in the backyard swimming pool her parents built. Timmy Vale has eyes just like his father, dark and deep-set, with long, elegant black eyelashes. Except Timmy's eyes are filled with love and laughter- how sweet is that?

Back in Diffle County- in every bar and tavern he frequents, John Deagan swears he's gonna catch that son-of-a-bitch who killed his boy Jimmy.  He swears it like he means it as the bartender pours him another shot of Jack.

All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to actual living or dead persons is purely incidental and not intentional.  Story by Rick Fisher  @fishfire on Twitter  Copyright 8/19/11 All Rights Reserved

Postnote: Big Don told me it was high time I told a darker story about Diffle County.  "It can't be all fun and games, Ricky."